Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The Mombshelter
I am so excited about today! Today is Dirty Mommy's first guest blogger. And she rocks!
Nicole from The Mombshelter has agreed to (okay, maybe agreed isn't the right term; how does blackmail sound?) share her fantastic writing and insightful observations (and without cursing, no less) with Dirty Mommy's readers.
I have been following Nicole's blog since I came onto the blogging scene. She isn't a relative or a coworker, just a Mommy blogger like myself. But way funnier. And a much better writer. And probably smarter. But I'll stop there...I don't want to drive my fans away. If you haven't read The Mombshelter before, you will be a follower after this -
If You Give A Mommy A Baby
If you give a mommy a baby, she'll smell its head.
Smelling the baby's sweet smelling downy head will make her think of how snuggly and lovely babies are so she'll sit down and rock the baby.
Rocking the baby will make her want to hum a lullaby but sleep deprivation and hearing loss due to overexposure to high pitched baby shrieks, make the mom hum off key.
Humming off key will make the baby wake-up and start to cry, again.
The crying baby will cause milk leakage, which will soak through nursing pads and a nursing bra on to the mommy's spit-up covered over-sized-to-hide-the-baby-bulge t-shirt, reminding the mommy to feed the baby.
The mommy will feed the baby, again and again and again, probably every two or three hours, night and day. Sometimes even sitting on a bench in the grocery store or in the car at the side of the road.
All this feeding inevitably will bring with it poop. Lots of poop. Poop will be everywhere, in the diapers, up backs, on the floor. And all this pooping will make the baby hungry again and the mommy will feed the baby, again.
Eating and eating will make the baby grow, so that the mommy can put the baby down.
Putting the baby down will make the mommy crazy with worry. She'll have to put breakables on high shelves and eventually dismantle those high shelves because they make tempting climbers. She will cover electrical outlets and baby-gate doorways. But still she will participate in the endless repetition of “no pulling the cat's tail, gentle” or “what's in your mouth, show Mommy”.
The mommy's baby proofing will allow the baby to roam freely until the baby is crawling and walking.
Her constantly repeating the word 'no', will make the baby want to say it too. But not quietly, oh no. The baby will yell “No'' over and over again to all it sees. To you, to your mother-in-law, to strangers on the street.
To stop the baby from yelling “No”, the mommy will fix it a snack.
Fixing a baby-friendly homemade snack will use up a lot of dishes.
The mommy will put the dishes in the dishwasher while the baby eats its snack.
While turning her back momentarily the baby will smoosh its snack in its hair and all over the floor.
The mommy will sigh a deep tired-of-messes-now-I-have-to-bath-you sigh.
If the mommy is bathing the baby then she might as well get the baby ready for bedtime.
After putting baby lotion on the baby, the mommy reaches for its pajamas, but remembers that the only clean ones are still in the dryer.
The mommy must go back downstairs to get the pajamas but only after holding the baby's hand and descending the stairs at an agonizing slow pace because the baby insists on going down the stairs by itself.
The mommy sits the baby on the floor to riffle through the gigantic pile of laundry.
Sitting the baby on the floor gives the baby a clear path to the cat under the table. The baby will toddle over to the cat and pull its tail, forgetting to be gentle. The cat, in retaliation, will bite the baby.
Hearing the baby cry, the mommy will pick the baby up.
Holding the crying baby the mommy will see the rocking chair.
Seeing the rocking chair reminds the mommy of how big the baby has grown, in fact the baby isn't a baby anymore but a toddler, and how she doesn't get to rock and snuggle it very often.
The mommy will ask the toddler if it wants to snuggle and rock, the toddler will nod yes.
While rocking the toddler, the mommy will think of how snuggly and lovely babies are. She will probably smell the toddler's baby lotioned head.
And chances are if she smells its head, she'll want another baby to rock.
Mommies are sadists like that.
*this post was inspired by the reading ad nauseum of Laura Numeroff books both at home and in my classroom*
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14 comments:
I am not sure which book I hate more...Brown Bear or If You Take a Mouse to School....loved this post...It is 6am, I have already farmed my toddler off to my moms, my baby is sleeping and I have consumed one gigantic cup of coffee while ready your post. Thanks for a great morning "date".
I luv ya Mombshelter.
Great read and it's everything to the "T".
oh yeah! I hear it loud and clear! My youngest is 10, well almost 11 months old. He still wakes every 1 1/2 hours to nurse! yikes and he has chosen to only sleep with me. I think he can have my bed and I'll take his crib :O) Yes as crazy as it sounds....I wish for another.....only make it a girl this time! No, just kidding, love my 3 boys and no more babies for me....glad hubby has been fixed so I can't change my mind :O)
I'm sitting on the couch right now trying to ignore the smell of fresh poo wafting up from my 5 mo laying on my lap. I'm entranced by the newborn screaming it's head off while being bathed by nanny Ribena on Cityline and am thinking thank god the newborn, feeding frenzy, colicy days are over! I'm now absolutely terrified by your post. I think I'll have to start putting a shower cap on him.. I just can't take the chance that his Downey head will cause me to forget my birth control! Thanks for the heads up! Now off to change the 2nd poopy dipe of the morning!
OMG. it's like you were reading my mind or somehow inhabiting my body, right down to the oversized-to-hide-the-baby-bulge-belly TShirt.
Sadly, I am a sadist and am now doing it ALL OVER AGAIN
Thanks for posting this. I do have the honour of actually knowing Nicole and I can say that she does rock! She always makes me laugh out loud,and today she made me proud! Excellent post!
FanTABulous idea! Why didn't I think of it? I'll tell you why! Because I am not nearly as awesome as the Mombshell! SO glad you got to guest post..and you know I'm making a list of who I want to write my blog for me, er, I mean, guest post on mine...
You just made my uterus ache.
YOu just made me cry. Because I never had babies. ONly older children and I so so so wanted a baby! And now my toddlers are turning into pre-teens. And my twins are juniors. And I want to sit with them in my lap on the rocking chair and smell their hair. But they are all bigger than me.
Susie
www.motherhoot.blogspot.com
You rock, Nicole! I love the build up about all that is precious and sweet about babies (yes, even the poop) and then you cap it off with that killer line. Classic.
Great guest blogger! I'd never heard of her before but I'll be subscribing to her blog. Thanks!
And thanks for visiting my blog! I;m your newest follower and I hope you'll stop by again soon!
http://www.thewannabewahm.com
Good morning,
Stopped by from FFF on Mom Bloggers Club
Hope you follow me too :)
http://www.nycsinglemom.com
What does it say that I won't even pick up a baby to smell it's head? :-) I'm too tired. Maybe in five years. :-)
as always Nicole rocks it out in true Mombshelter style! Great work Nicole!
we have a few of those Laura Numeroff books around here.